mixed feelings
i've been mixing and producing a short (instrumental) song lately, about two minutes long, involving three distinct sections and a same tempo throughout.
earlier i'd become re-obsessed with chasing the "best" guitar tone for weeks after finally acquiring a proper interface (rather than having to rely on a single physical amplifier for every tone in my head). one day, when playing around with one of my ridiculous plugin concoctions, i started playing random things i realized could work together. soon, i had a little chord progression and started recording it.
eventually, after three days of re-recording, re-mixing, and some final touches, i came up with a 2:15 track.
though i don't mean to write this as a sneaky advert. in fact, i'm not exactly sure why i feel so mixed about the result.
it's two broad feelings in particular. the first is excitement and anticipation: that it turned out vaguely listenable for something that took probably less than fifteen minutes to come up with, and especially for the first time i'd ever sincerely tried to polish and produce a recording. almost sounds like something i'd listen to in my car, perhaps, or feel intrigued to find more about if hypothetically i was a stranger discovering it. the production turned out decent and unbotched...to my ears...and i even played on tempo most of the time after all those retakes.
but the other feeling is almost embarrassment and slight detachment. did i really just write something so simple and then try to pass it off as a song? i spent so long and put off so many other things to come up with this? should i have even finalized something so simple at all? listening from this perspective, it almost sounds ridiculous—a living stereotype of its style of music. if not that, it sounds unfinished at best.
and maybe that in the end is what makes me feel this way—stepping back, noticing all its flaws, and wanting to make it into an "actual" song. but i just don't feel like i can find the time or effort at the moment...
objectively, of course, i could find the time. i could probably find all the time in the world if i was using it meaningfully! it's the same feeling i get when i know i want to become a high-achieving, extremely productive person (as does probably everyone), yet start to stand down once the effort of achieving such qualities begins revealing itself.
it always goes both ways.
2024-02-10