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the search continues . . .

for a large, clean, productive workspace.

my current one is very small. the computer i have wound up using for over a year, too, isn't very fit for quiet, reflective work, although it is quite powerful at the very least.

it's an older EVGA laptop with a graphics card i received from a relative who didn't need it anymore, except half a year into use i realized the non-functional trackpad was in such a state because the battery was imperceptibly ballooning to nearly double its thickness. so i took it out. not that it would've been useful on battery power anyway.

but this meant that i couldn't unplug the laptop for even a moment to move it anymore. but that's fine, i thought. i'll just use it as a low key janky desktop computer—one that has a built-in screen, an unusually tough keyboard with an annoyingly long repeat-delay (that i couldn't fix with software settings), and a constant white noise of airflow.

it's not the best for mobile work, because i obviously cannot move it around in any meaningful way. even if it did have a battery, trying to write something on the couch would deplete it very quickly and also heat up my legs.

lately, i've been daydreaming more and more about a primary computer that's thin and efficient. something that i can use both away from power and constantly plugged into power without worrying about the health of a battery. i could offload heavier service or archival tasks to the several computers i've set up as servers. ideally, the system inside of it should look pretty nice, too.

whatever that computer (maybe even tablet ...) ends up being, i imagine that with such descriptions it will end up being small enough to create more space on this tiny desk i have been using for a little while now.

some say that this much daydreaming about mere material, physical changes in one's environment is useless, especially in regards to improving towards that ever-elusive notion of "productivity," because the true change will indeed come from within oneself. that is partially true, since in a way you cannot change a habit by avoiding the inner identity or headspace which drives it. in my opinion, though, this ignores the possibility of a top-down change, or outside-in change. small cues in one's environment can indeed spur subtle changes in one's behavior and interactions to an extent that eventually grows to touch upon the inner mindset that once drove the old habits. this is largely the idea behind rehab prisons—we can't expect criminals to improve their underlying issues by sticking them into a hideous, negative environment, since, with the goal of mental reform in mind, that leaves the task solely to their minds. the same unfortunate, broken minds that brought them to the prison.

similarly, i can't expect myself to suddenly begin reforming my habits and achieve an elusive state of "productivity" while also sitting at the same old dusty computer and cramped desk where i had slacked off for so long in the past. the associations would be too strong to encourage any lasting change. hence, i'd need to combine an inner will to change with a physically changed workspace.

i thought i could start something of an environment change by finally putting my old, out-of-use computers for sale online. maybe even this one, but i think i'll do that once i have a guaranteed alternative to it. or i might keep it for gaming only. but with them being gone, i'll finally have a blank slate to work with to create new, healthier mental associations. this will maybe pave the way for me to create an effective workspace.

ideally, anyway. it's all up in the air for now.